On Avocado Toast, Freedom, and Misconceptions

5.25.2020

 I was going to post to social media today, Memorial Day, because I feel inclined to add my own to the throng of posts about the day. Then I didn't.

I made my own breakfast this morning after the boys had cleared up theirs, took some more time than usual to set up something nice for myself, enjoyed arranging it, took a picture, and imagined captioning it with something like this:

Grateful today for the freedom to enjoy avocado toast and tea safe at home on this Memorial Day. 

Maybe add some hashtags about remembrance, or thanks for those who served, or something, and soon the whole thing turned ugly to me, like it was this trite attempt to add something somber in a few words and a picture, a hashtag, and it felt incongruous and gross. So, I did not post this thought.

There are a few things to unpack here. I also felt that the imagined weight of some people's negative feelings (ranging from minor to extreme/hateful) for the tendency some of my generational cohort have to stage, photograph, and post about our food. And then the very fact that my food was avocado toast, the food that has become synonymous with the fiscal irresponsibility and foolishness of millennials everywhere (I am told that avocado toast is the reason we can't afford to buy homes). [Neverminded the complex nuance of having entered the work force during the great recession. Let's just mock the particular joys this age group has embraced as happy coping mechanisms because they seem foolhardy and contrary to the previous generation's perception of value and how to demonstrate that with your money.]

This spiraling train of thought, the perceived potential for irritation of my joyfully staged food photos, and the self-consciousness that comes of being too long in my own head all culminated in this piece instead.

And then there's another facet, that I love and enjoy beautiful, lovingly crafted food. And the intention of my original post was to celebrate just this - that I am free to make luxurious, even frivolous food, that I have time while listening to news stories honoring service members and others on Memorial Day, that I have time to enjoy this slow morning, free of constraints of work and managing children's schooling. I have all the blessings and freedoms I enjoy every day in large part due to the sacrifices made by others. I respect and honor that. And I have the privilege of celebrating and remembering these things, a time for pause, because of this holiday. I am grateful for this country I live in, and those who work hard to make those freedoms real for me and others lucky enough to be here, but it's complicated.* 

*I will not pause to explore now the complexity of my love for America, what it means for each of us, and what we are owed/owe to it and each other. I will leave that to Clifford Thompson's What It Is for starters, and for another, much longer train of thought later.

This brings me to my last thought about Memorial Day and what I won't be saying for the public fodder of social media, mostly because I don't have interest in engaging in a dialogue beyond what I just simply have to say on this subject. 

(Oh, to simply produce words and not be called upon to make sense of them for others - I wrote it, now you can read it, and I hope you enjoy taking a moment with this. I hope you find it interesting, and maybe even that it makes you think and prompts some sort of thought of your own. I just don't want to be called upon to police the various responses to comment and thoughts on my own page. Please take potentially volatile petty impoliteness elsewhere. It is exhausting. But in the world of social media, and in our ongoing virtual conversation age, this is not the way of things. But, I digress.)

My last beef with Memorial Day online is the offence taken at the phrase Happy Memorial Day. The implication is that one cannot or should lot wish others happiness on a day singled out for grieving, remembrance. And I understand that there are those who feel it is disrespectful, the manner in which some celebrate, seemingly without thought for those who have been lost, those who fight and died, and those who still feel that pain in real and difficult ways. 

Here is my defense for a Happy Memorial Day. As one who has lost a father, not to war but cancer, I understand some of the complexity of grieving a lost loved one and appreciate that each person's experience with loss is their own. I respect that. And while I have not known the specific pain of loss of a loved one to war, the pain of what those who have fought must go through, I do believe that our lost loved ones want us to be happy. And maybe the fact that I can say that no one in my generation of closely related family have had to fight or die to protect my happiness makes the sacrifices of those who have died to provide that privilege worth it. 

All they ask, is to be remembered. And I feel I can do that. And maybe, I can also honor them with joy. 

Maybe all these expressions of happiness can also be expressions of gratitude. 

For some, the day will never be as somber as it is for others. Those who haven't lived it with bereavement will never understand it quite so personally. But we can, I hope, wish others happiness in the remembrance of those who died fighting for our right to happiness. Happiness should not be at odds with respect. It is, I hope, the greatest gift we can give back to those who sacrificed their own.

We misconceive so easily the intents of others, and a nasty, self-satisfied part of our brain enjoys laying into the faults of others, sometimes made so clear to us by their sharing of a view or attitude different from our own. 

On a day meant to honor the memories of those who fought for our freedom, I hope we can celebrate our freedom to be different from one another, the freedom to have free will, the freedom to express our ideas, and the right to be respected and treated decently regardless of those differences. I am grateful for a land where a person can stand up for what he or she believes, and another can do the same, and at the end of the day, they can both be satisfied with having had their say fairly, and in the most ideal scenario, perhaps even shake hands in mutual appreciation of this shared freedom in spite of their differences. Having, to coin a phrase, 'a healthy respect for what we are trying to do here.' 

All this to say, I suppose, I am grateful and happy on this Memorial Day. Your gratitude and emotions might look different from mine today, and I am grateful for that too. Happy Memorial Day, may we live in a way that makes our loved ones gone on ahead smile.